Should I have been sleeping?

Today I am exhausted.

She is sleeping and I should be sleeping too. But I can't. I can't help but watch her, touch her, listen to her.

I love to watch her lips purse together and make bubbles. I love to stare at her long eye lashes, button nose, and chubby cheeks.

I enjoy feeling her little hand wrapped around my finger, running my fingers through her hair, rubbing her soft tiny ear lobes. I love to massage her strong legs and touching her warm tummy.

I love listening to her coos and breathe in and out. Listen to her stretch. Listen to her deep sleepy sigh...

While she sleeps she will suddenly reach over and grab a hold of my top and hold on like I was going to get up. I smile and start to fall asleep... A minute passes and she stretches, yawns, and starts to wiggle...

Should I have been sleeping?

Random Notes

As many moms may agree, it is difficult to get a lot of things done when you have a kid or more... like updating a blog. I want to write important thoughts and small growth spurts of Pria. So when I have a minute while nursing or when she is asleep on my chest like right now, I quickly type in thoughts for the day in my phone in a notes application. Here are some short notes I wrote the last couple weeks.

11/10 - At the end of Chucks wedding (my mom's boss who is now Uncle Chuck :)), Dustin hugged me because it was cold and he was saying bye to me (Pria and I needed to leave a bit early). He said, "I haven't been able to do this in a while..." And he smiled. It was sweet. I realized then that Dustin and I hadn't really had our own time and probably won't have it too much for while...

11/13 - Pria had her first shower/bath with me today. She thoroughly enjoyed it. She was very alert looking around and at me, licking the water off my arm and closing her eyes happily. It was fun. I think she liked the skin on skin. I used Burt's Bees baby shampoo. We don't have a portable baby bath (and don't have room for one really) and our sinks won't really work. I think I prefer the shower with her though :).

11/14 - We call her our 'little bear'. She's a grunter. Makes the "nom nom nom" noises when she eats. She has had a strong neck from day one. Lifting it is not a problem for her. She's a snacker during the day as of now. Eats small amounts but very often... Likes her hands in her face. Ticklish on her feet and neck. Likes her body massaged when being burped. Likes a lot of movement. Sleeps during loud noise/talking.

11/15 - Pria weighed 10.10 pounds and was 21.5 inches at the Pediatrician today.

11/16 - Pria likes to keep her hands up by her face and sucks on them to sooth her. Listening to Sweet Pea radio or Paul Cardall radio on Pandora calms her. Driving in the car calms her down as well. She fusses when getting into the carseat though. She likes to be against your chest swaying and walking around instead of sitting. If you are sitting she likes being rocked. No sitting still and relaxing anymore!

11/19 - Spent 3 hours at the grocery store today to get thanksgiving ingredients, just me and Pria. 2 of which were in the parking lot. Went through 3 diapers in the process... It's a lot harder going places now...

11/20 - Pria loves to stare at light. It captivates her and she goes silent for a moment. So she likes a lot of movement, music, loud humming noises like hair dryers and vacuums, bouncy car rides and bright light.

11/21 - I've found that staying in bed waiting for Pria to wake up right next to me makes the day go better, rather than getting up while she's sleeping and getting stuff done. She cries less knowing she wakes up next to me, I am aware what she needs as soon as her eyes open and I let her decide what we are doing next. I've been doing that to see how it compares to trying to make things on my schedule. Positive results. I have a high maintenance little princess. It's her way or the highway... I've read that when babies spend less energy crying, that energy is spent more towards their development. Also that when you devote your attention to them, preventing major crying to get your attention, they have higher self-esteem later down the road.

The Story (It's a looong one)

Here is my birth story for those waiting to hear. One day and two long nights...
I did it all natural without any drugs or epidural. No inducing. No iv or hook ups to machines. And no hospital. Just how I planned. But you can't plan everything...
The night before I started writing down notes and my thought process in my phone since I was up all night and that was a distraction and something to do. I only have notes I wrote that day up until we checked into the birth center. The rest I will try to remember as best I can to write down.


THURSDAY 10/25
6:00pm: "It should happen this weekend. I started feeling deep cramps early this morning and apparently they say you feel like ur having a bad case of menstrual cramps right before. So unless this is false labor I'm in the early stage labor which is an "easy" part and can last 12+ hours. Then there is active labor, transition labor, then delivery. So, three stages of labor and then delivery. I'm not looking forward to the transition part."
10:00pm: "I think animals can sense when a woman is pregnant. And can sense your emotions as well. Both the cats keep following me into each room I go into and sit down next to me when I stay in one spot. They have been doing this the last couple weeks. It's cute. They probably won't be doing that once the baby is here..."
FRIDAY 10/26
12:00am: "Contractions are average 45 seconds long and 5-15 minutes apart. They aren't very comfortable. They are just like strong cramps that I use to have a year ago only spaced apart. If this doesn't happen today I will have to stall until Sunday because I reeeeally don't want the on call midwife for Saturday...."
4:00am: "I'm in my rocking chair having contractions that are 5 min apart. I've found myself trying to think of ways to distract myself during each contraction. At first I was trying imagery with ocean waves crashing on the shore (each contraction was a big wave that finally calmed down). Then I somehow had the primary song, "Popcorn popping on the apricot tree" stuck in my head so I was doing short 'ch' sounds to the beat of that song."
7:00am: "I am TIRED. I want to sleep so bad. I've tried a few positions all over the house. They all feel useless, especially trying to lay down. I don't know when to call my midwife because they say to stay home as much as possible during the early stage. I don't know how I will have the energy for when this gets harder. My one concern is, how long will this process take for me?"
9:00am: "We are headed to the birthing center now. We called in and asked Rosanne (my midwife) what she thought with the contractions I was having and she said to come in. It is a bumpy uncomfortable ride in the car... Sitting is definitely not a good position for me during contractions."

Once we got there Rosanne examined me and watched me have a contraction basically to see my reaction and how long it was. Dustin and her just stood there ha. I was 4 centimeters and Rosanne said, "Looks like you are going to have this baby today!" I was relieved she was the midwife on-call that day. The one on Saturday was our least favorite that I knew would make my experience not so great. We walked into the back area where the "birthing house/rooms/area" was at 9:30am...
Everything is kind of a blur now. I swear God does that on purpose so you forget the details and will want to do it again. So I am trying my best to describe what I remember.
In the living room/waiting area I knelt on the floor leaning against their window seat/bench as Dustin sat right next to me holding my hands, pushed on my lower back, let me lean into him and made sure I was drinking water. Rosanne left us alone for quite a while since she wasn't quite needed yet and wanted this to be our alone time. The tub wasn't filled yet and I kept thinking, shouldn't they be starting that? The contractions were harder and stronger at this point and I was unaware that time was actually going by. I felt like time was paused and I was not getting anywhere.
Dustin was in charge of texting some family members to let them know what was going on and we let people know around 10am I think. We wanted it to be just us at the birth center until the baby was here.
A couple hours later we finally got into the tub at like 11:15am. I swear it took an hour to fill the tub just 1 foot. I leaned over the edge a lot while Dustin massaged my back and Rosanne recommended I try leaning back against Dustin after probably an hour. There was a nurse there who was training that day... It was her 3rd birth, and she was very good at wiping my face with a cold wash cloth and massaging my arms and upper back.
They kept checking my temperature and the baby's heart beat with a fetal monitor. I actually remember getting really frustrated whenever they checked my temperature because they would put it in my mouth and then I would start a contraction and my mouth was clamped down on this thing and I needed to breathe.
It is recommended to keep your jaw relaxed and your mouth open as much as possible. They say that there is a relation between your mouth and down there and that keeping your mouth open and relaxed, helps you open up as well. I tried really hard to relax my mind and my mouth with each contraction. Dustin was always right there holding me reminding me to relax my jaw and was chanting the words "open" or "out" over and over. It's a mental thing.
It wasn't working.
I was at 7 centimeters around 3:00pm and we got out of the tub because apparently it was relaxing my body too much and I was not moving along.
The 2nd nurse that was training the other one said I should lean over an exercise ball and sway my hips back and forth. I did this for probably 2 hours trying to breathe out deeply and long breathes, not short ones where I clench my jaw.
I read in a book that my sister-in-law Jen, let me borrow, called, "Ina May's guide to Childbirth" that some women have a fear in their head sometimes that can delay labor and make it longer. I kept trying to think if I had one of these, thinking that may be why it was taking so long. I couldn't think of anything. It simply must have been that I was so tired from staying up the previous night.
Around 5:00pm I was at 9 centimeters and we were moving around quite a bit trying to find the best position for me. I tried standing and wrapping my arms around Dustin's shoulders (that one didn't last more than 5 minutes), then walking around the living room (moving as slow as a turtle...), leaning over the couch, sitting over the toilet (I didn't like the idea of it so I actually think it paused my process with that thinking), and then back to kneeling on the bed. I remember during this whole phase I kept looking at Dustin for some kind of encouraging face because I was wanting it to be over so bad. I could tell he felt bad that I was struggling to keep up my energy but once I looked at him he would say something encouraging like, "You are doing great."
And then he would hand me a juice box. :)
At 6:30pm they said I could start pushing. Finally. I had felt the need to push earlier on but they said I wasn't dilated enough yet. I was OVERLY tired and could hardly hold my self up at all. I felt limp and useless and defeated. Rosanne asked me if I wanted to get back in the tub. I wanted to have a water birth but I was afraid it would slow me down again. They laid me on my back in the most uncomfortable position for contractions and pushing but I had to so they could try to help me. Rosanne broke the rest of my water and had to help my cervix with each push. It made it more uncomfortable with her hands down there but Dustin said later she was doing that to massage me to make it easier later... I can't imagine if she didn't do that annoying process how much worse my recovery would have been. The baby wasn't in the best position either. Rosanne kept moving me from side to side trying to get her to move. She would start to and then moved back...
Dustin was on my right, the training nurse on my left, Rosanne in the middle and the other nurse was monitoring me and the baby.
We moved to a birthing stool towards the end. I sat on the stool while Dustin sat on the bed and I leaned back into him. At one point Dustin was actually pushing on my stomach trying to push the baby out. He said he could feel her moving around as he pushed her.
After each contraction/pushing I got more and more frustrated. I felt like I wasn't progressing. I was so tired. I don't know if Rosanne did it to motivate me or if she was serious but she started to say, "I don't want to have to transfer you to the hospital, you can do this, I want you to have this baby here, today." I didn't like hearing that I would have to be transferred.
I gave it all I had left.
The head was out. "Keep pushing Alyssa! Keep pushing, her heads out!" Ahhhhh!
She was finally out. I couldn't believe it. I did it? Wait, seriously?
All in what seemed like 1 second, our baby girl was on my chest and all the women were wiping her, Dustin and I were holding her together, a nurse was cleaning out her nose and mouth, Dustin was clamping the cord, one nurse was moving me to the bed and bam she was here.
Finally.
9:31pm

The baby and I took a nice little nap while Dustin did paperwork. My mom came at midnight with food and was there visiting with Rosanne and help baby for a while. They said we could go home at 1:30am or could stay there if we wanted to. We wanted to go home to our own bed and home so we left at 2:30am because it took a while gathering all our things, doing the carseat and saying goodbye to the help.
And that is the story. That is what I could remember. I can't tell you exactly what the pain felt like. I think that part was definitely erased from my memory as best as the man upstairs could so I could do this again.
I am happy she is finally here.

Answers to the regular questions....

Here are a couple quick questions some have asked:
-How was the labor? - Check out the story here in a previous post. But overall, minus how long it took and the fact that the birth wasn't in the tub, I think everything went how I wanted it to go. I got the midwife I wanted (out of the 4 that work on call there), I didn't have any major problems that required me to go to the hospital, I was able to at least labor in the tub, it happened before Halloween, it was on an even day (for some reason I just wanted the date to be an even number...), Dustin participated with as much as he could, and she came out healthy and beautiful and perfect!

-Will you do it again? - Yes I will. It was painful and long but it was one day out of this baby's life and I have forgotten the bad stuff or at least it is fuzzy.

-Did it hurt? - Well it was no walk in the park...

-Did I cry? - No.. I was first of all exhausted and second I don't cry very well...

-How is it at night? - So far so good actually. She sleeps for like 3-4 hours and then we are up for like 2 and then she sleeps for another 3-4. I am not too tired with that schedule, but I know it will change up soon...They say to sleep when she sleeps which I have tried to do. During the day is hard because I just want to watch her or I just have a hard time falling asleep when it is bright out. The first night I didn't sleep at all because I wanted to make sure everything was alright, she wasn't gagging, she was breathing alright, etc.

-How has it been so far? - It has been great. I have been enjoying the baby grunts, humming, raspberry kisses, tiny but big yawns, tiny fingers and toes, touching all her soft brown hair, her very alert eyes watching me up close, her face making quick little smile reflexes, laughing at her new body noises, and just watching her all day and night. I love having little snuggles ALWAYS wanting ME. (Even when I haven't brushed my hair all day and gone without a shower in... a while... due to all my attention being on her all the time and not how I look...)

-How is Dustin enjoying it? - He is loving it. Very giddy and cute with her. He has taken a TON of photos so far on his phone and captured just about every facial expression she has made. He has been VERY helpful for me, the baby and helping with regular house stuff (if my mom hasn't already come by...).

-How is recovery? - ....Recovery like this wasn't something I was expecting. Everything else, yes. But not the recovery. I tore during the birth and had to get 4 stitches. I got a lot of bruising. Even on my legs from grabbing them during pushing. I won't go into much detail but the first couple days it was hard to walk or move at all. My body was very weak and tired. It still is, but nothing like the first few days. I was like bed-ridden. It was hard trying to take care of myself AND Pria. Now I am able to move around like normal but my body hurts towards the second half of the day and sitting is like a chore. I have to lay down. It is frustrating sometimes. But I know it will go away eating the healthiest foods, drinking a lot of water and taking it easy.

-Meals and diet? - I thought the worrying about making my diet stricter was over. I don't eat unhealthy anyway but man do I want some chocolate cake, 7 layer dip, shepherds pie, a big juicy croissant sandwich, thick french toast, one of Rogers oreo shakes, or a Dr Pepper so bad! Just a couple treats and I'll be happy... Just a splurge? But I'm breast feeding and healing... So no fun yet ha. I know if I splurge I will be tempted to have a little more here and a little more there. If I want to recover quicker, lose the pregnancy weight/fat, and have healthy breast milk I need to control myself, and so I have.

-How do I like it with her being on the outside rather than the inside now? - It was fun feeling her little feet in my belly but having her on the outside is waaaay better. I had an EASY pregnancy but it wasn't my favorite. I didn't enjoy it like some women do.

-Has Pria had any jaundice, skin problems, etc? - Her skin has been perfect. No yellowing. No rashes. No skin acne. We have been lucky so far.

-Are diapers fun yet? - Ha. They aren't that bad. Her messes are still small and not too stinky. yes I know they will get stinkier and yes the amounts will be larger. But it is different being our own baby. It is true when people say that. Dustin is very good and quick with them. I think guys in general are just quicker at doing diapers.

-Do we have everything we need? - Yes. We have the most important stuff. I do wish we had a dresser to organize all her stuff since we don't really have a closet to organize things. It is just all over the place. We have been checking craigslist for a nice one. We are also looking for a baby bouncer on craigslist too. She loves movement and bouncing. It would be nice to have while getting ready to leave or hanging out at my parents house later on. Pria is a little bit bigger than some of our smallest outfits. She has fit them but they are most likely a one time outfit. From now on I am searching for the kimono type outfits where you don't have to pull the onsie or top over their head. It a lot easier for changing and stuff. Our house is a bit cold. it hasn't gotten freezing yet but our fireplace doesn't warm up the whole house very quickly or get to some rooms. So things like mittens, beanies and thicker sweats like fleece pants are things I will look out for more.

-Are we ready for our life to change completely? - We wouldn't have tried for a kid if we weren't. Dustin was/is ready and so am I. I think being a mom was what I am here for. We are excited for this new kind of change, this new kind of different. Sure there will be hard parts here and there but what part of anyone's life isn't hard in some way one way or another? I know this change will benefit our marriage. It already has. I feel closer to Dustin in a very special way with Pria here. I grew to love him more during the pregnancy. And having Pria here between us now it intensified that much more.
Yes we are ready.

This was our week. No one else's.

Facebook:
I have never liked that things are only official when you post them on facebook. It seems a little impersonal sometimes. Don't get me wrong I use it a lot but for this event... I wanted privacy from facebook. I didn't want the whole world involved and invading our special time. I wanted it to be our time.
SO. We made a rule and told family that we weren't going to post anything on facebook and they weren't to either until we had. We texted direct family and a couple friends that are like family, when the labor started and when Pria arrived, but no facebook. I wanted a day without notifications, overload of questions, calls, messages. And that is what we got. And I loved it.
We also didn't want to post anything until we knew her name because we knew every other question was going to be, "What is her name??????", which we didn't decide until Sunday night.

Visits:
I wanted the first week to be our week as well. Only my parents and sister were allowed to come over and even my dad and Jelina couldn't come over because they were really sick, which sucked. My dad finally got to see her/hold her on Halloween night when my family came over for a October-ish dinner. Jelina was there but didn't hold her to be safe. Of course if Dustin's dad and siblings were closer it would be the same for them to only be allowed as well.
Extended "unsick" family members could see her the second week.


Pictures:
I want to document everything, but wanting to take everything in and take advantage of this time before it goes too fast at the same time. So I try to take little notes here and there on my phone so for times like these where I have Pria sleeping on my chest as I type, I can get all these thoughts down and people can get the down low since they can't come over haha! I take phone pics here and there (nothing like Dustin's phone pics) but I really want a photo shoot of Pria with Dustin and I. We don't have money for another photographer and Jelina could help us out but she is still sick. Looks like we will have to try a silly session with the tripod ha.


Our week:
We simply wanted it to be our week. Besides the big factor of making sure no sickness comes into the house and affects Pria while she is so vulnerable, tt is the first time we will EVER have this moment, this time with her so small and precious... We wanted to take it all in without distractions or interruptions. Dustin didn't work one day. It was just the three of us enjoying every minute.
It has been wonderful.

Umbilical Cord

Today Pria's umbilical cord fell off. The little stub is in a plastic bag. Not sure what to do with it. It stinks. I think she will have an inny which I am happy about. :)